a day in moni’s world

I recently got a bike. A man at school whom I had never talked to, found the three of us in the Humanities office and said,

“I have seen you biking around. Do you need a bike?”

Katy politely declined because she has her blue and red fixie, and Sam nervously said he was going to get his small, pink bike fixed, and so, no, of course he didn’t need a bike.

I had no excuse. So, I accepted the bike.

Bikes and I have never been best friends. As a kid, I lived on the top of a huge hill in one of the hilliest neighborhoods in San Francisco. My parents realized they should probably teach me to ride a bike, so we went down to the Embarcadero and bought a used, teal and pink schwin bike. It had some magical name. I loved it. My dad took me around our little block, and once or twice we went to the library park where there was free space.

That was it for me for many years. There was the occasional ride in Lake Tahoe on a rented bike, or the time my mom, Bri, and I went on a bike tour in Amsterdam when I was 14 and I fell and bled everywhere, embarrassing my mother. She told me she would “send the body home.”

Another memory is my vacation with Joe, Emily and Greg while we were researching our theses abroad. While on vacation, I found an “adventure tour” by a local indigenous man to the Yucatan. I told my friends I wasn’t super comfortable biking, but they could!! When we got there, it was all or nothing, so for the sake of the group, I tried. It was wet and rocky, and about 3km in, I fell into the largest mud puddle I had ever seen. From my hair to my tevas, half of my body was covered in light brown mud. I got into the truck and was then made fun of for the rest of the day. It included a man taking a coca-cola can and throwing water on me and repeating, “Mas agua?,” not waiting for my answer, and then just pouring more water on my already soaking jean shorts.

I attempted to become a cyclist on the campaign, but my bike was stolen while at the office late one night. Then I had my pretty light blue bike in DC, but I never got the hang of biking in the cold. Or the extreme heat.

All this to say, I have embarked on this new bike journey. I have only gotten injured once, and I have almost been killed by a mototaxi once. Excited to see what the next two months bring.

My very chic, orange, athletic bike has changed my routine a bit. I live about a 30 minute walk from my school, and the walk is something I dread and enjoy at the same time. It isn’t really safe to use headphones, so it is just 30 minutes of peace and solitude before interacting with hundreds of students. I walk along the road where I live, look out onto the river, say hi to my favorite horse who is white, dirty, has a terrible haircut and always looks sad, greet the elderly woman who spends the day on a chair in front of her home. I walk past the padaria that has crazy irregular hours. There are lots of turns, usually the same route, and always in search of the shade. I pass my gym, my waxing lady, my usual coffee shop, the place I pay my bills, one of my favorite acai places. I pass the alternative bar, as well as your average hole in the wall place to drink beer. When I walk to school, it is usually between 92 and 100 degrees F. I arrive sweaty, but so is everyone else. The way home usually includes going to the gym, buying some couve (chard) across the street at my local grocery store, chatting with the folks who work at a bar close to my house, and continuing past the woman to whom I said good morning.

As for my classes, this semester I am actually in the classroom teaching 15 hours a week, and planning about 7 outside. I TA two classes– phonetics and english lit. I work with two professors whose manner and style couldn’t be less similar. Ilza is the professor I worked closely with last semester; she is kind and very intelligent, but lacks some confidence in the classroom and has a hard time organizing things and using technology. Sometimes I compare her to a mad scientist– she scribbles in random places all over the board and knows so much about phonetics and syntax, so sometimes it comes out in a way that isn’t easily digested by the students. She isn’t close with the students we work with right now; in fact she doesn’t know their names.

Bete (pronounced betchy) doesn’t really need me in the classroom. She commands the class and has the respect of all her students. She can seem stern, but then she cracks a smile and you realize she was kidding. She knows the names of all the students we are working with right now, and she really gets to their level. Physically and intellectually. She will sit with small groups, look them in the eye, and explain an assignment in English and in Portuguese, always prodding them to think more critically, to dig deeper. Watching her inspires me to be a better teacher, and to connect more with my students.

Apart from these courses, I am teaching 4 hours of a basic english course to non-english students. Most of the students are students in other courses, such as agriculture engineering, forest engineering, history, portuguese. We are starting from almost nothing, which is a new experience for me. I think my strengths lie in motivating students and showing them that we all struggle, but that is best when there is some knowledge of the subject. I get nervous before every class, and I leave feeling overjoyed.

Most of the students in the English program really struggle with English. You can get through 4 years without really being able to have a basic conversation. It makes it hard to keep up, though. I have started offering 2 hours of support for the English students. We go through basic English concepts, practice dialogues, and then we dive into any questions they have from their classes. Really, this is my favorite class I give, because I get to give a lot of personal attention, joke around, and really see small improvements. It is open, but right now about 5 girls come consistently, and I am so happy for them.

There are other things happening too. I go to the gym 6 days a week (maybe bc I am always frustrated?), I see my old host family at least once a weekend (and sometimes 

more often, if I give my host mom my laundry), and I try to hang out with friends and get out and try something new. Sometimes I end up at another party with the same bands playing the same song, and other times I sit around with a bunch of friends and their cats as we talk about books and the education system. I write a column for the local newspaper weekly. I have been helping on some US campaigns, translating some websites and materials.

Post vacation, post trip back to DC, I am back in this rhythm. I am back to training with all the guys at my gym (Studio Power– Where Monsters Are Made). I make little jokes with the women who work at the coffee stand at school. I trip or drop something most days. I speak in not perfect portuguese with my beginner students and my random neighborhood acquaintances.

Things are back to normal. I am back to seeing all the small joys in my day and in my routine. These last weeks will fly by, I know, and I hope to keep enjoying the small moments I get with the people in my daily life.

It is my birthday this week! On Friday, the 28th. I hope to see some nature and eat some cake.

trip of the century, and great friends in Brazil and back home

Wow– it has been a long time since I have written a post for this blog, mostly due to my wonderful, life giving, awe inspiring trip throughout Brazil. This blog will give some accounts of those trips, and an update to everyone on my health and well being 🙂

Right when the semester ended, Katy Blake (it’s a double name, like Hannah Rose) and I flew up to Sao Luis, the capital of our state to head to Lencois Maranheses.

Gente, I think Atins and the dunes and Lencois in general were the most beautiful sites I have ever seen. I could have stayed for weeks. It is kind of a hike to get to (but not tooooo bad), but I cannot describe how worth it it is.

Atins is a small fishing village in the very north of Maranhao, the state I live in. It is on the border of the national park, Lencois Maranheses. This to

wn is all sand– there aren’t cars but people do use little RTVs to get around. It is not only next to the dunes and the lagoons, but it is on the ocean. To one side you have one of the strangest spectacles (crystal clear water in what looks like a desert) and on the other, the ocean. I couldn’t be more content.

 

In addition to the physical beauty, the people I met in Atins really lit a fire in my heart that continues to warm my life and fuel my experiences. Atins is a hub of kite surfing in Brazil and in the world. To be quite honest, I had never even really heard of kite surfing, but it became something I watched and talked about daily. On the boat ride to the town, we met these two cute silly boys from Argentina– Mati and Gonchi. One of their kites had gotten lost on their flight, and Katy helped them speak to the LATAM folks in Portu

guese, which started a beautiful friendship. Our days in Atins included day trips to the dunes, a friendship with a middle aged couple from Sao Paulo, hanging out at the shacks at the beach, swimming in the water, and watching our friends kite. The second night, while sitting at our pousada trying to avoid mosquitos, we ran into a man who lived in the town, Valerio, who is quite the character with double nipple piercings and the belief that we used to be able to move things with just our minds, but society and our culture has taken all of our power away. Valerio was sitting with a young woman, and she immediately started speaking to us, in perfect English. Andrea had been alone in Atins kiting for 3 weeks, and she was excited to meet some new faces. She perked up, “have you guys seen the plankton?” All of our faces were confused, and she jumped up and said “grab your bikinis we are going now.” So, at 11pm we walked through the town with no light, under some of the most beautiful stars I had ever seen to see phosphorescent plankton. It was like nothing I have ever experienced.

We became fast friends with Andrea, and we formed a little fivesome– KB, Andrea, Mati, Gonchi and me. We spent the days on the beach together, nights at random houses and a new bar made out of a boat on the shore, and then ended up traveling together. The three ladies went to the Delta do Parnaiba, the second largest delta in the world, where we took a private boat for an entire day and saw an incredible ecosystem that could only exist at the meeting of the ocean and the river almost at the equator. The three of us sat in silence a lot of the day, looking at the beautiful red birds as the sunset, and we also shared stories, our core beliefs and talked out different things we were dealing with in our life.

After a night there, we headed to Jericoacoara, where we met back up with our Argentine duo. Turns out Mati is one of the best kite surfers in the world. Turns out he also has the kindest family who we got to spend an entire day with in the dunes while they kited.

The ~ten days I spent with Katy Blake, Andrea, Mati and Gonchi really warmed my heart; I totally fell in love with all of them, and continue to hold that as I meet new people. Sometimes I lose faith that I will be able to make new meaningful connections, but I am continually proven wrong. I am hoping to visit the boys in Argentina in December, and Andrea in Switzerland in the spring. I am still on a high from these friendships, and it was one of the greatest trips of my life. Jeri was beautiful too– a LOT more touristy, but had more restaurants and bars and things to do (like the “sad” DJ on the sand). It was nice to be able to find different kinds of food and have places to go dancing, but it lacked the tranquility of Atins.

After these ten days, Katy and I flew to Salvador to the Fulbright Mid Year Conference. I was REALLY nervous. One reason was that most folks live closer to other Fulbright ETAs and get the chance to grow their relationships and it feels like from social media everyone is best friends and I was nervous there wouldn’t be room for me! That, of course, was silly, because not only am I really close with my co-ETAs, I also adore the folks in my region, especially the women, and I have people I keep in touch with in many regions around Brazil. There were so many friendly faces, and even those I didn’t really know were so open to sharing their experiences and to getting to know me. I ended up really hitting it off with some new people who I still talk to almost daily, and whom I hope to see throughout the semester.

The conference itself was one of the most useful workshop type events I have been to! I was very surprised. I felt really motivated to go back and teach and to engage in my community in new ways! I got to hear from so many people all over the country with extremely different and sometimes very similar work environments. We also talked a lot about life after the grant, which was helpful and I felt like I learned some new skills.

Salvador is a vibrant, beautiful, complicated city, and I am happy I got to spend some time there. After the conference week, Michael, KB and I moved to a hostel in Pelourinho, the old city of Salvador. It is named that because “pele” means skin, and it was where enslaved peoples were brought and beat and sold. From 1501 to 1866, about 4.9 million people were stolen from their homes and brought to Brazil as enslaved peoples, and the main port of entry was Salvador. You can feel this dark history as you walk the streets of Salvador, but you can also feel the resistance and the celebration of African culture that is still so present in Bahia and in Brazil. About 80% of those who live in Salvador are black and of African descent– it is one of the places with the most people from the African diaspora in the world. In Salvador, there is still racism, but blackness is celebrated. Where I live in Brazil, it is uncommon to see large groups of black folks in public, and in Salvador this is the norm. Capoeira, the dance martial art created during slavery as a way to mask fighting tactics, is an art in Salvador and you can hear the berimbau everywhere you go. The food, the colors of the buildings, the people, the way folks speak– everything is vibrant in Salvador. I would recommend everyone watch Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown about Salvador.

Post Salvador, Michael, KB,  our friend Marisa, and I rented a car and drove out to Chapada Diamantina. We decided to do a 3 day trek in the Valle do Pati, which covered about 50 km in some of the most beautiful green mountains I have ever seen. It wasn’t easy– it was really tiring and uphill and just a lot of work on the body, but it was very rewarding. Our guide, Kitano, wore a messenger cap and was like 50 but could run up a mountain quickly. He carried our food, and created the BEST picnics– german bread, eggs, pesto, peanut butter, cheese– things I wouldn’t think to bring hiking! At night we stayed at this small house type place which only has solar power, no wifi, no heating (this was an issue for me), and is very simple. The food, though, was the most amazing, and the cats were so cute. The folks there were very welcoming and it was a good place to rest after days of 20km hikes.

After a frantic drive back to Salvador, I flew to Rio where I stayed in Ipanema and waited for Ellie (my amazing cousin-sister), Bart (one of my best best friends) and Maya (a dear friend from college) to come meet me. I settled in to the neighborhood where I used to live (back before my grant started!). Ellie arrived in the morning after almost not making her connection and without one of her bags, but we were so happy to see each other. Maya and Bart arrived a bit later, and we settled in and decided what to do. This weekend in Rio we spent time at the beach in Ipanema, ate at the Churrascaria Palace in Copa, got dinner on the Lagoa, strolled the Hippie Fair, and they had their fair share of caipirinhas on the beach (and I had iced tea). After a lovely weekend, we took off to Bonito and the Pantanal, the wetlands of Brazil (and part of Bolivia and Paraguay). It is the world’s largest tropical wetlands– it is full of wildlife. There are hundreds of species of birds, jaguars, caymans and the beloved capybaras.

Bonito is out there. We took a flight to Campo Grande and then drove 5 hours to get to the town. It definitely has a thriving tourist industry, though, so there are lots of restaurants and bars and shops.

In Bonito, we went down to see this clear blue cavern lake, and then we went snorkeling in one of the world’s clearest rivers. It was so incredible. I did at one point kick the dirt and make it… less clear… for those behind me, and got scolded. It was like I was in a whole other world, and it just felt so serene.

The next day we drove another 6 hours to the southern Pantanal. That is really out there. There was no cell service for many hours of the drive, and we didn’t see any towns for a few hours. It is all farms and lodges that are protected by federal law. Folks out there are real cowboys, or that’s what they call themselves. They speak with a different accent than I am used to (it is more similar to Spanish, since Mato Grosso do Sul is so close to Bolivia).

The day we arrived we were served a really good lunch at the lodge, Pousada Santa Clara, and then we were taken on a horseback riding trip through the grounds with some Dutch folks, an older British couple, and a young Brazilian girl, Aline. I’m a bit afraid of horses, and our guide, Roderigo (pronounced Hoderigo) kept talking about how they were going to fight each other and that my horse was lazy. Segredo, or Secret, and I ended up getting along just fine, and it was really fun. I can’t really describe all that I saw in words, but the yellow trees are something that really stuck out to me.

In addition to the horse back riding, we went on a night boat ride where we saw lots of animals (mostly really pretty birds) and caymans, and got to see an incredible sunset. The days in the Pantanal were packed, but there was still time to chill in the hammocks and read our respective books.

We went on a nature walk through the grounds of another lodge, where we saw lots of monkeys and some animal that I cannot describe. Somewhere between a racoon and a fox?

We also went piranha fishing. Picture Bart and I screaming as a pirana is flapping around in the small wooden boat and a crocodile is 6 inches from me and wants to eat the pirana. And then Roderigo saying that the river otters are the “jaguars of the river” and that they will jump in the boat. The fishing was hilarious and strange as we were all skewering raw beef onto bamboo fishing poles and pulling piranhas out of the river. That night, we ate the piranhas for dinner.

After 3 full days at the lodge, we went back to Campo Grande and flew to Rio. It was a VERY special day– Ellie’s 25th bday! Although we spent a lot of it traveling, it was so fun because at this point the group was so connected and we had lots of fun things to joke about and reflect on.

We went back to Rio, and this time stayed in Santa Teresa, which is closer to the center of the city, up on a hill. It is known for being an artist/bohemian area with beautiful views and great food. It is right on top of Lapa, the party district of Rio, so there is always a street party somewhere.

We went to a spectacular restaurant in Santa Teresa, Aprazivel, to celebrate Ellie’s bday and to consume some of the best food of our trip. After, we went down into Lapa, took a couple laps, found a street party, did FitDance in the club, somehow ended up with paint on our face, and made it home after lots of funk dancing attempts. The rest of our trip was centered around the center of Rio: we went down to the harbor and Praca 15 de Novembro, to the very old and beautiful Confiteria Colombo, bopped around and bought art in Santa Teresa, and ate the classic all you can eat northeastern breakfast at Cafe do Alto

Then it was time to say goodbye to dear Bart and Maya. It was a crazy, adventure filled, heartwarming and satisfying ~ten day trip, and I am so happy we got to experience Brazil together and they got to not only see a bit of my life here, but get to know Ellie better.

Ellie and I went out with Michael that night to Carioca da Gema, a pretty famous samba bar in Lapa, and stood on the steps in the very crowded bar as we watched some great samba and ran into Michael’s co-ETA, who made it all the more fun.

Then we were off to the Costa Verde– the southern coast of the state of Rio de Janiero. We landed in Paraty, an old coastal colonial town with its history based in the gold trade. It is quaint and pleasant, with shops and restaurants, but not overcrowded 

by tourists. The weather was starting to get funky, but we got lucky because we escaped the rain in Rio and had some crispy but sunny days down south. We went for an island hopping big boat ride one day, spent time at our pousada with a view overlooking the water, and just kept extending our stay. We then went on boat trip to Saco do Mamangua, a huge tropical fjord that has the looks of a salt water lake in between green jungle covered mountains.

We returned to Rio, spent more time on the beach,

 

 some time with a Fulbright friend Mac and his family, and then went out with him, his brother, and another ETA Karl and his two friends from Michigan. It was definitely a motley crew of siblings and college friends, with me as the sober party leader since I was the one who knew Rio the best. It ended up being a lit night of dancing to lots of Reggaton, Funk and pop at a bar with no cover (!!!) in the heart of Rio.

 

Then I left Ellie. It was very sad. I cried. I am not 100% sure when we will see each other again, although there is talk of Mexico, January 2019 with the whole family. I hope so. Ellie, I love you so much and I am so grateful to get to share so much of my life with you as a sister and a best friend.

After meeting up with Katy at the Sao Paulo airport, we got on a strangely timed flight to Imperatriz, and got home at 3am. The next day, I went to the doctor to face the inevitable: that I needed to go back to the US to take care of some health issues.

If you have been in contact with me personally, you probably heard me talk about the ovarian cyst I have had since the end of May that has caused me lots of pain and also worry (because if there is torsion it can cause a medical emergency which can compromise your ovary). It totally sucked and I wasn’t supposed to go to the gym or do any crazy things, and it weighed on me a lot. I was worried, but luckily lots of people came to my aid with medical advice and personal advice and after a scan confirmed that surgery was a real need, I booked a flight back to DC, where my health insurance is still active.

It was really weird. Going back was strange– I didn’t want to leave Brazil, so it didn’t feel like a vacation, and I felt guilty that I was leaving my students and my life at the beginning of the semester. It was really cool, though, to be welcomed back into my community and to see lots of friends and even make some new ones. I am especially grateful to Sarah Sohlberg, my bestest friend, who let me stay with her and made me feel so welcome and quelled a lot of my anxiety.

In a strange turn of events, I didn’t have to have surgery. The doctor looked at my scans and started to schedule a surgery in DC, and then thought it would be good to see the placement before she went in. To EVERYONE’S surprise, the cyst had ruptured, and I was all good to go. Some pain, but not too much, and a lot of relief. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I booked a flight back to Brazil.

In total, I was in the States for 2 weeks, and I was lucky enough to see a majority of my old housemates, Carrie + Charlie, Bart (even though we had just been in Brazil together….), my friends from my time in Mexico as well as other International Health folks, and a bunch of random friends from all over the world that I never would have imagined I would get to see. I didn’t really realize how much I loved my life in DC until I went back.

Coming back was also strange, but after a few days in Sao Paulo with Michael and our friend Pam, I started to get back into my groove.

I have been back for 2 weeks now, and am happy to report that I am healthy and thriving.

Until next time,

Moni

Looking up and forward

Today is Monday, June 18th. It is crazy! We are almost to the end of the first semester; students are definitely ready for it to be over, and I would like a fresh start in classes too. It is tough since their teachers weren’t there most of the semester– everything is crammed into these last few weeks. I try to see both sides, but I feel like everyone is in a tough spot, to be honest.

The past week or so have been really good. I had a retreat with other Fulbrighters in Sao Luis, and returned with to Imperatriz feeling more filled with joy and excitement.

The retreat in Sao Luis was really nice. 13 people stayed in this huge Miami 80s style mansion about 3 blocks from the beach (which isn’t necessarily safe to swim in, but still beautiful). Most of the time was spent in workshops presented by my friends/colleagues.

I gave a workshop on Shame in the Classroom, calling on Brene Brown’s work and using this video of her speaking with educators at SXSW. From there, I went on to talk about classroom climate and how we as educators can assist in making an environment where students can be vulnerable, and therefore, learn. I obviously am no expert on the topic, but it is something that has been important to me, especially as we play this special role in between teacher and student. Because of this special relationship we have, I have witnessed a lot of personal struggle in my students that my professors do not see. I think it is important to be tuned in to the needs of the students, and that is why it is so special to be here in this role.

The other workshops included one on using Portuguese to communicate your beliefs and ideas, an improv workshop by Sam (which was SO fun), a workshop where we taught each other mini lessons, and one on organizing your priorities and aligning your life, which I found really helpful.

We spent one morning on a boat in a mini delta area outside of Sao Luis, driving around this beautiful area, eating grilled fish on the boat and running around some dunes. It was definitely a bonding experience for the group.

I especially love all the ladies in my group. They are fascinating women with lots of different interests and backgrounds. One has spent lots of time in Morocco and served in the Peace Corps, one came to the US from Nigeria as a child and studied Chemistry, another has Nigerian roots and is very interested in anti-colonial thought, and another friend’s parents are from India and has teaching experience as well as a really interesting intellectual outlook on everything. Another girl is a teacher and has taught ESL before. And then there is Katy Blake, my lovely companion who I adore and am blessed to share my life with here.

Most of the girls went out one night to the old center of the city and saw a live reggae band that was pretty impressive. There was lots of brass, which I adore. Sao Luis is the reggae (hegy, in portuguese pronunciation) capital of Brazil– it is the constant soundtrack of the city. I am still trying to find the exact history of how reggae got so huge there. The next night we went to the famous Bar do Nelson, which had a reggae DJ and was a semi falling apart warehouse on the beach and was packed, which was just what I wanted. I learned to dance the interesting reggae dance when some men asked me to dance and danced with some of the lovely ladies in my group. We walked home along the beach, played never have I ever and had a silly group sleepover.

The weekend was a really nice time to hear other people’s grievances, and see that even though we aren’t that close in proximity, there are lots of people I can talk to and share in the experience with. I felt ready to go home after Sao Luis– I was more oriented to what I wanted to do in Imperatriz, and I felt reinvigorated in the way I can be involved in my community.

I identified three priorities for the here and now while on the retreat: meaningful work, learning and health. These are the things I want to focus on at least for the next couple of weeks.

That is why this month I decided to turn inwards and focus on some things that I can control. On July 6, we finish the first semester, and then I will be away until the middle of August (crazy!). I didn’t want to set any goals that I couldn’t see through before that date, so I have committed to an hour of Portuguese instruction each day from a friend, Tulio. This extra focus on Portuguese grammar has helped me want to learn more when I am at home so I can bring questions to him while we sit at my favorite cafe and discuss the language. Since I didn’t have super formal Portuguese lessons, there are definitely some gaps in my knowledge, and I think this simple practice and adding 5 hours a week of devoted instruction is really going to help me.

Another way I am tuning into this learning goal is reading about the history of Brazil. If any of you have traveled with me, you may know I am very into knowing fun facts about where I am. I also think it is really important in respecting a culture and doing less harm. So I am 25% through my Concise History of Brazil which was written by a pretty famous Brazilian historian and political scientist, Boris Fausto. I am committed to reading this book to deepen my knowledge of the rich, cruel, complicated and fascinating history of Brazil, and then I plan to dive much deeper into the history of my region, including the Araguaina conflict, which I have started having a really started diving into, as it happened in my region during the military dictatorship. I have been focused on current political and current events (like the trucker’s strike, the coming election, the coup, the threat of Bolsonaro), but obviously it is all shaped by a long, long history. Of course I will never read enough or understand enough, but I will try to read as many socially conscious authors that give a side of history that has been hidden.

In addition,  I am refocusing on being active– I currently go to the gym 5 days a week, but some mornings and some weekends I find I don’t leave my apartment. I want to maintain this workout routine but find other ways to be active, like rollerblading down by the river, going for a walk with my roommates, doing yoga by the pool, playing volleyball with friends. It is hard to leave the house in the morning hours as it is sooooooo hot, but just going outside and exploring is another way for me to be physically and mentally active.

Other health things include being proactive in my mental health– incorporating meditation into my life and keeping in touch with friends and family. In addition, my sobriety is a big part of my health that I take very seriously, and there are always ways for me to be working to be more committed to this goal and to grow and strengthen and forgive myself and become a better Moni.

In terms of meaningful work, being in the classroom has been really important to me in the time I have been here. Things have shifted a bit since I am no longer lead teaching, but I am trying to find ways to still connect with students and feel like my presence is not a burden or a nuisance. Right now, something I am dealing with is student behavior and the relationship among the teachers and the students. I feel like I am coming into a family with lots of drama and history, and I am having a hard time knowing my place.

I find a lot of joy in leading class, having conversations with students outside of class about their love of learning, and sharing my own curiosities with them. I know I can’t change anyone, and I hope that I am a living example of my values. I hope that I can show that there are many different ways to be. I struggle a little bit with people pleasing, but I feel I am really strengthening my character here, as I have found it is very important to me to speak out when I see what I consider injustice, and sometimes this doesn’t make people happy. I hope to continue to work on feeling comfortable expressing my passion.

That is really all I have for you! I am writing a column for the local newspaper, and I am still brainstorming topics to show the diversity in my community back home. If you have ideas, let me know 🙂

Things are definitely going, and I am happy. I am excited for my vacation, and I will be happy to return.

Pics include: the Imperatriz river beach, the Sao Luis sunset, the Brazil match, and the beginnings of Festas Juninas (festivals in June).

The Five Month Mark, and A Sobriety Anniversary

Katy Blake looked at me in our apartment the other day and goes, “May is a wash.”

May brought some great things (a trip to Recife, a visit from Michael, my one year sobriety anniversary), and May was also a really tough month for me and those around me. I want to be completely honest about my experience, and so I will try to show that it is not black and white; I experienced joy and depression at the same time, frustration and connection, and loneliness and support.

I try to be open, but this month was hard with that too, which is probably why this blog post is coming a lot later than I would have hoped. I didn’t have the energy to speak the truth, so I half wrote a few blogs but settled on just giving you all something from my heart today.

At the very beginning of the month, I took a five day trip to Recife to explore a new place and to see a friend, Sahil, and make some new friends. I spent a lot of time connecting with Sahil and Sofia who both live in Recife, Marissa who lives in Curitiba, and Alexa who is in a small city in Parana. I explored a ceramic workshop/old abandoned brick factory with some other fulbrighters, wandered around Recife Antigo with Alexa, took a mini frevo class at the museum honoring the music and the dance from Recife. Frevo is a style of music and dance where I think you can’t NOT be happy. It is incredibly difficult and exhausting, but you are using your body in ways you don’t usually and in order for it to work, you really have to put yourself out there, which is something I really appreciate. That night we met up with Sahil and Marissa and a Fulbright researcher, Daniel, and accidentally ran into this eco friendly fashion/bike launch event which had very hip people dancing to chill house music. We put glitter all over our faces and danced for awhile, until we realized it was only about 8pm. We went over to Boa Viagem, the bougier beach area and ate amazing Italian food as a big group. Sadly, a little trip to Porto da Gallinhas was cancelled because of rain, but luckily we had each other and the beautiful amazing city and beaches. We spent time at the beach eating fish (and then having the tide reclaim its fish), wandering around Recife, checking out Sahil’s house and area. I took the rainy day to go to a bunch of markets; one more artesanal and crafty, and another that had tons of snacks and real food. It was a nice solo trip where I connected with some folks and spoke Portuguese (although the Pernabuco accent is DIFFICULT– we say the word leite as leyche, and in Pernambuco they say leyti– they don’t transform the ti/te to ch or the di to a g sound). I also spent a day wandering around Olinda alone, which is just so beautiful. I loved connecting with the ocean and feeling small as I always do. Sahil and Sofia really made me feel at home, and I am grateful I deepened my relationship with all those people and now have an even bigger support system than before.

I came back from Recife on a high– I was ready to be zen about how my boss is a stressful person, make the best out of whatever came my way, especially with things I could not change. This lasted for about a week, and then I was struck with a series of events that brought me to a very different place. My mother’s death anniversary passed without me really noticing, Mother’s Day also passed (which is a huge deal in Brazil), and I heard some tragic and scary news about an acquaintance back in San Francisco. Rather than feeling all the things that any of these events/days brought, I tried so hard to remain on this high I was feeling that I left them to linger and fester. I also got really sick, and then I just…. Stayed down for the next few weeks.

After about two weeks of very low energy and not a lot of joy, I realized I was dealing with something bigger than I could deal with myself, so I reached out to some mental health folks back in DC and connected back to the support I need to really live my healthiest and most fulfilling life. After I recognized that a lot was going on, I immediately felt some of the weight melt away. Acknowledging that what I was feeling was real and validating it allowed me to regain some perspective. Around the same time, Sam asked if we could all talk about the funks we were going through, as he was feeling really down and confused on why he was here. We had a little feelings session and hugged it out. This obviously doesn’t mean we are all feeling perfect right now, but it definitely opened us up a little bit more to leaning on each other. 3 months in, all the adrenaline of the move is wearing off and I think the day to day is settling in.

Then the strike hit. The truckers in Brazil went on strike, blocking the roads and not delivering goods in protest of the rising gas prices and the exorbitantly high tax on gas. The current president, who in my opinion and many of those in Brazil got to power through a coup, changed the policy for the state based oil company to mirror international oil prices and to rise with the market. This has caused prices to rise dramatically since Temer took office and this cuts greatly into the truck drivers’ income. I am pro-worker, pro-union and pro-strike, and I definitely support what the truckers were/are fighting for. It was also a bit difficult for people in my city to not have any gas, for my trip to a national park be cancelled, and for Michael’s flight to be cancelled to come see me. I put this blame on the government who could have actually listened to the workers and come to a true agreement, not the workers.

Interestingly, the strike has been co opted by many different movements. People have taken this moment to show that Temer does not have control over the country and are calling for military intervention– that is, a military coup. I didn’t understand at first– Temer did send in the military to help “break” the strike, so I was confused on what people were calling for. The phrase “Fora Temer,” which was widely used by people all over the country who recognized the illegitmacy of his presidency, is now being used by the same people who actually encouraged him coming into power and now they are calling for the return to a military dictatorship. Brazil has had various dictatorships in its history, the most recent from 1964 until 1985 (which was fully supported by the US government). This wasn’t that long ago, but a lot of the memory of the very dark times have been erased. It is very scary to me to see these thoughts, especially when democratic elections are being held in October. I witnessed a large protest calling for military intervention in the government which I found shocking and confusing.

Michael, my dear friend from college and whom I lived with in DC, planned to come to see me in Maranhao this past weekend to celebrate my one year sobriety anniversary. Unfortunately, the airport in Brasilia (the capital) ran out of gas, and he was delayed over two days. Michael traversed the country to come see me. An act of service and love if I have ever seen one. He took a bus from Goiania to Brasilia, slept in Brasilia, took a flight to Sao Paulo, then to Sao Luis, then to my city all over three days. Look at a map and you will see this is a lot of distance covered. I feel very grateful.

It was really important for me to have him here to ground me in what this year has meant for me and to help me be proud of my accomplishments and share in how everyday it can still be difficult. I thought I was going to feel pure joy with this one year marker, but it was actually a lot more complicated that I could have ever thought. Any anniversary or marker is a call to reflect– on my mother’s birthday or death date I usually reflect and remember her, which can be happy and hard all at the same time. I haven’t worked through everything I did wrong while I was drinking, and I still carry a lot of shame from those years. I am so grateful for the relationships I have and the support I have been given to love myself more and to make this choice that is allowing me to be my best self for myself and to those I am in relationship with. I guess it forced me to remember why I am living this way, which brings back the worst times for me. I remember making parties for family members about me because I was the drunkest girl at the party, having my little cousin cry because of how drunk I was at a cousin’s wedding (and embarrassing my family and causing stress to those who it was supposed to just be pure fun for, especially the bride and her family), and many other instances of hurting those around me through substance use.

I also remember all the amazing things that have happened this year. I spent a lot of time in Tahoe with my family, I worked on a book, I won a Fulbright grant and moved to Brazil. I started to regain the trust of a lot of my closest friends and I hope some of my family. I tackled a lot of the trauma and grief I had been hiding for years and years through therapy. I have learned to communicate in a new language, I have gotten into the best shape I have been in in years, I have created and sustained new friendships that I am pretty sure will last a lifetime. I have traveled alone and put myself in possibly lonely situations and made it work. I have stayed in touch with my little cousin Sarah more than I have before, and have tried to continue to build adult relationships with my family. I have read over 30 books. I ran a half marathon! These are just some of the tangible accomplishments, but I know that if you know me, you can see others in the way I act and in how I relate to the world. I would love to hear other people’s perspective on the positive things that have happened this past year– the support is so key for me.

Michael’s stay in Imperatriz was different than what I had expected, but it was very, very special. Instead of getting out of town, he really just accompanied me in my everyday life and met so many of the people who are important to me. We spent time with my host family, at my school, with some of my friends at the beach. He even came to my gym with me! To celebrate the actual day (Memorial Day), we went to our riverside park, Beira Rio, ate Tacaca (an Amazonian soup delicacy that makes your mouth numb) and roller bladed until midnight. We spent a lot of time doing heart talk at night or on walks around the city. I am really honored and touched that now a part of my world was shared with someone who means so much to me. I am so happy he got back safely (because there was a chance he would get stuck here!!), and that we all got to spend a really nice few days together.

I have also started interning at the local paper and writing a weekly column! I am now actually working as a TA and not as a lead teacher (more on that this week), and I think I am firming up my courage and character in the workplace

I think I will save some stories from this past weekend in Sao Luis for next week’s blog, as I am committed to writing more, especially to help me get out of my slump. I truly believe that the times we want to pull away from connection is when we need it the most, so I am pushing myself in this regard.

Thank you to all of you, whether we talk everyday or almost never, for your love and support throughout however long we have known each other. I have very few regrets because I am so happy with this world of love I get to live in.

“You aren’t chill”– Struggles with Acceptance

When I came to Brazil, I immediately felt lighter. Not physically, because in Rio I was drinking lots of Guarana and eating acai everyday, but mentally and emotionally. I went to school, didn’t worry too much if I was a few minutes late, did my homework after coming home from the beach, but mostly spent quality time with the people around me and just embraced that I was no longer in DC or on the east coast where everything is fast paced and straight forward.

This feeling endured my whole time in Rio, and even in my travels after I only got nervous or anxious about logistics a few times, which is huge for me. Any situation I would get myself into, I just kind of laughed and felt like well this is all a part of the adventure.

To back up a bit, while I was a student at Georgetown, I didn’t see myself as “Type A.” I saw people around me who were much more stressed or worried in certain ways and I began to think I was different, maybe even “chill.” When I went abroad my senior fall, this belief was tested, as it was harder to “go with the flow” when things weren’t moving the pace I was used to or at the efficiency I felt was necessary for my project. I started to see maybe I wasn’t so different from my classmates after all. When I moved to North Carolina for the campaign, I truly saw that I am a list maker, prepared for every possible thing to go wrong, and always thinking about how things will happen before they happen. I had never really had to work with people who weren’t of the same mentality, and it definitely took some adjusting to see that just because someone doesn’t plan the way I do or they don’t meet their metrics every time doesn’t mean that they don’t offer something really important to the team.

I have dealt with being an anxious person my whole life, crying if I was even 2 minutes late to school, pacing back and forth on my deck in SF when I had a project to do in grammar school, applying to 18 colleges when we all knew I only really needed to apply to 5. I have done a lot to work on this, and a lot of times these traits have been rewarded. At school in the US and at work in offices it has always been seen as not only a virtue but as necessary to be punctual to work and to meetings. My list making and obsessive email checking have helped me get to where I am.

I also have lots of ways I don’t let being Type A or anxious take over my life. I find an outlet– whether it is training for a half marathon, working on yoga, studying for the LSAT– something to keep my mind busy.

So maybe you can imagine how a freer schedule and more flexibility here in Brazil has affected me.

Again, being in Rio brought me so much joy and fulfillment I didn’t feel the need to plan my days hour by hour. I also knew that my time there had an end date and I wasn’t working on any important projects other than learning Portuguese and finding Carnaval costumes.

After Fulbright orientation in Sao Paulo, I was filled with so many ideas of ways I could engage with my university and city. I am still teeming with ideas and every day I think of a new event I could host.

As I expected, things are not as structured here as they are at home. This is something I knew and I was prepared for. The first few weeks I didn’t really know what I was going to be doing everyday and I was okay with it. The classes we were to help with weren’t decided yet, but that was okay because we could all work together and figure it out.

Once we started actually teaching, though, I found the DC-Type A-anxiety driven Monica creeping back. In many ways, she makes me a great teacher. I have learning objectives for all my classes, syllabi, structured classroom activities. But at the same time, she makes it harder to be flexible. When no one shows up to class or my students are late or the technology isn’t working, I get quickly nervous and frustrated since I put a lot of pressure on myself.

All of this sort of came to a head last week at a meeting with my host professor, Edna. We sat down to figure out times that would work for all of us to give additional English classes to the greater community. What was supposed to be a 15 minute meeting turned into a 2.5 hour debacle where everything that could go wrong did. We were hit with all these new proposals that were only half thought out, which added up to way too many hours for us. We would say things in English that would somehow get misconstrued and Edna seemed very frustrated. I didn’t feel heard at all, and she made it seem like we hadn’t been doing any work, which is the opposite of the truth. It was a total energy suck and we all left grumpy, ate acai and tried to figure out the schedule that would work for Edna.

When we got home, we got a message from Edna that basically everything we had agreed on no longer worked, for what seemed like arbitrary reasons. I tried to logic my way out of this– what she was saying didn’t make sense (to me), and so there must be a way around it. The more clarifying questions I could ask the more I would understand, right? No, turns out this worked against us.

I spent that day feeling overwhelmed, undervalued, confused and frustrated. I was moping around at the gym, not smiling and not acting like myself.

My roommates were feeling similarly, and had some really great insight.

Katy Blake talked about how, at the end of the day, this is Edna’s university, and she knows what is best for her community and the students, even if it isn’t the same way we see it.

That hit me smack in the face. Of course, of course, of course. Of course the way I see things isn’t something I should be pushing on this institution. Of course, I know and believe fully that I am not to bring my United States ideas of how something SHOULD be and expect that and think it is the way things should work. In the end, this is Edna’s project, and I am happy to work however makes sense to her. She knows the students, the community, the school. Of course, it is important to think critically and listen to other voices in the community so we aren’t just doing what she says, but it is also important to come in with no agenda and really see how I can be used.

Sam, also, pointed out that we are doing too much labor of trying to figure out the logic when there may not be logic, and if there is, we can’t control it anyway. That made a lot of sense to me too. Why walk around town all day thinking over what she might be thinking or why she sent the things she sent? Why not take what is said at face value and move on.

After a pretty rough two days, but with a schedule figured out, I started to notice a shift in my mood and my reactions to everything. I felt lighter, again. Someone was 30 minutes late to a meeting, and instead of feeling mad I was happy to sit and drink my coffee and chat with someone in the office. Instead of counting and recounting the hours I am working, I realized that this schedule is only going to last until the end of June, and I am happy to attend to whatever classes I need to until then. Then, everything is going to change. Also, everything will change when Ilza and Bete come back from their doctorates; I will no longer be a lead teacher. But instead of worrying about what might happen, I decided somehow that I will deal with that as it comes. I am not going to let the stress of mid May ruin the pure joy I get from working with my students now.

So I started walking down the street thinking less about how every little thing will fit into my grand master plan. Edna needed to use my class time, and instead of feeling really overwhelmed, I decided to offer an optional workshop on a different day. Today I walked into class and students needed to finish an assignment, and instead of feeling upset, I empathized with what was happening and thought about how I could adapt my class to fit to their needs at the moment.

I haven’t thought about my five year plan in over a week, which is a big deal for me. I am walking down my street and peeking at the river every chance I get and feeling the hot but beautiful sun on my skin (I am working on consistently wearing sunscreen….). I am enjoying the unplanned, while still living within a structure.

I am living with less weight and this creates space for me to create and really be me.

That is all for now. Updates on events going on to come.

Feeling Grace

I tell my students that just listening to English even if they don’t totally understand will help them. This is my excuse for watching soaps every night with my roommate Katy Blake. As I write this, I am watching Outro Lado do Paraiso which is really interesting because it is set in the state of Tocantins, which I can actually see from my bedroom window.

Imperatriz is a city at a crossroads– we are in the south of Maranhao, which is considered a northeastern state, but a 5 minute boat ride across the river brings you to Tocantins, a northern state. Para is also close by, which holds much of the Amazon. It is also impressive that such a popular novela takes place in Tocantins as it is the newest state and one of the least known states in the country. In a lot of ways, the north and the interior are ignored internationally and domestically. This is something I have been trying to understand and soak up, especially as someone who has only lived in very powerful, coastal cities. I hope to reflect more on my life in the interior, even though I am still living in one of the larger cities in the region.

I am currently feeling extremely grounded and grateful for the experience I am having here in Brazil, and especially for the extended weekend where I got to spend time with my friend, co teacher and roommate Katy Blake, one of my best friends from back in the US, Michael, a brand new friend who filled my heart with love, Allison, and Michael’s co-teachers, Patrick and Katie, who I was happy to get to know a bit more.

Pre Trip Feels

But before I get to that, a few things happened at school last week that left me feeling a bit frustrated and unsure how to respond. My host professor, who I love a lot, asked if I could translate “something” for the president of the university. I have an interest in translation and I am also really trying to demonstrate that I am excited to be here and want to help in any way, so I said yes. Little did I know it was a 5 page, single spaced, agricultural engineering article about agrotoxins to be published. And she asked me to finish it in 2 days. I felt hopeless and confused as to how I would get this done without internet in my apartment and with little to no translating experience.

When I shared this with my roommates and later my Fulbright mentor, I was reminded that although I want to demonstrate how much I want to be involved, I also can’t set this expectation that this is a normal way to ask and timeframe that is acceptable. A translate that length to be published should take a few weeks, and after some encouragement, I was direct with my professor that that amount of time wasn’t enough for me and that we needed to readjust the assignment and translation expectations.

Edna, the professor, last Tuesday night around 11pm texted Katy Blake, my roommate, to ask if KB could switch classes with her and teach her class on Wednesday (the next day). The class she wanted to switch for was a class I actually teach and had just taught that day. So I learned through my roommate around midnight that Edna wanted me to fill her class the next afternoon from 1:30 to 6:30. I had no internet and was very frustrated that I didn’t have time to lesson plan and that the next week’s class would be lost. Again, my co teachers came to support me and I ended up showing some Doctor Who, doing free writing, discussing different types of essays and letting my students out a bit early, which they all appreciated.

Goin’ to the Chapada

After going to see Wendel and Marcio, my trainers, I flew to Brasilia to meet up with Michael, Patrick and Katie. I took an uber when I arrived (in the big city– seriously it was semi overwhelming after my walkable city) and met up with Gigi and Mac, the Fulbrighters who live and work in Brasilia. They taught me how to use the metro and took me on the bus and gave me some of the low down of how the city works. It is shaped like an airplane and most things are on the wings. Everything is organized into blocks, with housing blocks and then commercial blocks in between. It’s all pretty fascinating. I liked it more than I thought.

After a night catching up with the Goiania folks (mIchael, patrick and katie) and the brasilia kids (mac and gigi), the goiania team and I picked up a NEW friend from her apartment in brasilia. Allison ended up being one of my favorite people I have met here, and she really made me feel at peace and open. She is a friend of a friend of Michael’s from capoeira in DC. Allison also lives in DC and works for The Nature Conservancy, but is down here for about 5 months on global assignment.

We drove to Alto Paraiso in Goias, which lived up to its reputation as being a hippie city. There were crystal shops all along the main street, as well as statues of aliens as the Chapada is located on the 14th parallel, the same as Machu Picchu. There is something else about aliens I believe. It is a very mystic place, and many people have felt touched by this feeling.

We found Katy Blake who had DRIVEN 15 hours from Imperatriz down there. She is a badass. We split up and my car went to hike and see some amazing waterfalls on our way to the town of Sao Jorge, where we would stay for the three nights.

Sao Jorge is a smaller town with even stronger alternative vibes. It is walking distance to the national park, so there are lots of pousadas and camp sites in the town. There are also little lanterns all around and stands selling dreamcatchers and acai. I felt very at home there and loved the vibes I was catching.

The crew got up very early to get in line at the national park before 8am. Luckily we made it in and decided on one of the hikes. We did the Saltos hike, which took about 5 hours, but a lot of that time we were stopped, sitting on rocks in awe of big waterfalls. I loved how the landscape changed so quickly. At one point, after a day of canyons and waterfalls, we were walking on sand in what felt like the desert. We all had a really nice time, sharing Para nuts, cashews, and stories. And I only fell once! Sadly, I did get quite sunburnt, but its all my own fault.

Sunday, we went to Vale da Lua, which is a pretty other worldly place (aptly named Valley of the Moon). The canyon created by the rocks looked somewhat like a crater, and the rocks were much softer than the rest of the landscape. We explored this area with lots of curiousity. Then, it started to rain. Due to the smooth nature of the rocks, there were some slips and falls, mostly on my end. We all got completely soaked, so much so that I ended up changing just into my bathing suit for the rest of the day. We went back to the car after exploring and escaping the rain and headed to another spot. We stopped at the Sao Bento waterfall, which allowed some of us some thrilling cliff jumping and of course beautiful views. My favorite thing that we witnessed was a man and his partner crossing the river with their baby. As they neared a slippier area, the man handed off the toddler to a random woman who held the child with such care I thought they all knew each other. Cute as it was, once the couple crossed, they kept walking until the woman reminded them she had their baby. The man yelled “Oxente!!!,” which is a way (at least in Maranhao) to basically say oh my gosh! It was pretty hilarious and everyone thought it was pretty cute.

After lunch in Alto Paraiso, the group split up as we all had different objectives for the evening. I really wanted to watch the sunset, so I offered to just hop out of the car and walk around alone while the others went on another trail. Some things clicked in KB’s mind and she told me she was joining me and she knew where we were going.

Katy Blake and I saw the cell tower and drove the way we thought would get us there. Luckily, we made it, and just as we drove up, two other cars of people also arrived, which confirmed we were in the right place. These folks got out of their car with rappel gear and we were like oh here we are!

KB and I climbed up six ladders to the first platform where we chatted with a couple and watched the first phase of the sunset. We decided to take a risk and climb up higher to see the last phases of the sunset.

The whole experience was incredible. It was so tranquil just being with Katy Blake and sometimes chatting with random Brazilians rappelling down the side of the tower. I felt so much gratitude for all the energy I received from the park, the people and the friends I had been able to share this amazing weekend with.

I guess I don’t know how to describe how special the trip was. My heart is still so warm from that experience. We finished off the trip with affirmations and talking about our goals for the next few months. I am trying to find ways to express my creativity more, especially through writing and music. I am also focused on settling into a routine that involves studying more portuguese, working out, and cooking for myself.

There are always more things to update on, but that’s all for now. Look out for a post about my sobriety, connecting to folks about losing my parents, and reflections on family.

Sparks of Joy

I felt moved to write again. I hope once I have internet in my apartment, I can keep up with a schedule. But here I am, alone at the university library (one of my favorite places, of course) and I want to share some thoughts.

I was so nervous about teaching. The summer after my freshman year at Georgetown, I went to Gujarat, India and worked at a primary school. There was a lot going on– I was very young (18!!), I didn’t speak the language, I lived in a homestay where I couldn’t communicate at all, I had no access to internet (maybe twice a month), and I had very little freedom. I also was coming off of antidepressants (which PSA: don’t do this cold turkey when you are traveling to a new country!!!!). I had a really interesting experience there, and I learned a lot about family, community, and how we communicate. I wasn’t, I don’t believe, the best primary school teacher.

Again, there was a lot going on that may have contributed to this.

I applied for this specific Fulbright because I work with university students studying English in order to be English teachers. I have a strong interest in counseling and career/professional development, so I thought this would be a good fit, at least outside the classroom. I love to work with people and help them see the options and assure them that there are many things they can achieve.

What I didn’t expect is that I would fall in love with teaching.

To be fair, this is my third week actually in the classroom, but so far Katy Blake (my AMAZING co-ETA) and I have created syllabi basically from scratch and introduced complex English phonetic and grammar topics to our students. I have, completely alone, worked with my oldest and most advanced students in a writing class to begin researching a topic they care about to later publish their best work. I have lots of teaching objectives, and I feel my teaching philosophy (or life philosophy?) forming and strengthening every day. Sam (my other stellar and creative co-ETA), Katy and I also work on an oral class together, where we have split the students up into groups and work with similar levels. I work with the middle group, those who have some base in English and can express ideas, although many of them are very nervous to speak and feel a lot of shame.

I think this is where I have a lot of success, and also where I am looking to grow the most. I love showing my students that it isn’t just them who feels the way they feel.  Maybe I am very influenced by Brene Brown’s books about shame and connection or my therapist, but I think one of our biggest blocks to learning and living, really, is that we are ashamed of what we know/don’t know and feel like it is only us who are feeling this way. I think with this level of learners, empowerment is key, and showing that it is not only okay to mess up, but that it is actually NECESSARY in order to learn (and to live a joy filled life). It is counterintuitive, but the times we want to hide are the times when we most need positive connection. Human connection and affirmation of each other is the way we can reduce the shame we feel and create a more supportive and positive community and learning environment.

One thing I had the privilege of doing was talking to (almost) all of my students one on one. This helped me not only remember their names (which I am still struggling with) but see a little bit into their world and their motivations, so I can pull on those to make learning fun and important. There is still the professor student boundary (maybe I will speak about it in a different blog post), but they see that I am just a person who is struggling to learn Portuguese, who doesn’t always have it all together, and that I am someone with something to offer: my language and my companionship on their language learning journey.

Sam and Katy Blake joke about how I am like Jess from New Girl in my teaching style, and sometimes I say things like “well my favorite student is… well, they are all my favorites! I am so proud of them!” Although it may all seem a little bit overly idealistic or silly, I really am very proud of my students who are ambitious and hard working, no matter what level they are at currently. Many of them have full time jobs, children, families– they have so much going on, but they are committed to learning and becoming great teachers once they leave UEMASUL.

Since I am not *actually* their professor, all the assignments I give could be seen as optional. But I assigned an essay on the Handmaid’s Tale last week (not a summary, but an opinion piece) and I have already received almost all of the assignments early or on time. Needless to say, I am impressed and ecstatic.

the view from my room

my second year students!

“How did I learn English? Just from myself.. and Lady Gaga”

I never thought I would love my job this much. I never thought I would actually… be a good teacher. Of course, I am not perfect, but I see potential in myself in this regard, and I am happy to share the joy I receive from being at school, seeing my students grow and learning a little more about them and myself every day.

 

Keep Rollin’ On

I tried to put myself into boxes. I texted a friend saying “maybe I’m in the honeymoon phase” and then twenty minutes later, “I think its culture shock.” Then, within an hour of feeling like I was on the verge of tears, I was listening to Sertanejo and dancing around my little backyard with my host family.

My friend responded, “maybe you can’t sort all your feelings and file them neatly.”

I try to analyze my experiences as they are happening, and then I can start to judge my feelings. Shouldn’t I be uncomfortable that everyone keeps touching me, or is it okay that I feel loved and welcomed? Am I allowed to feel alone in a home filled with people who are just trying to make me feel welcome?

The first day was a whilwind, and the first week followed in a similar fashion. After waking up at 4:30am to leave Sao Paulo, we were all pretty exhausted on our viagem to Imperatriz. When we got to the baggage claim, we saw a group of 15 people dressed in matching shirts with the Fulbright logo on the back excited to meet us. I felt instantly included, and it was really cool to have a line of people hugging me as I met some of my future students and my host professor, Edna. We were whisked in the UEMASUL bus back to campus where we got in various cars to grab a bite to eat. My car ride ended up being a blessing in disguise. We got very lost and ended up missing the whole lunch, but I didn’t mind because I found four people in my city who were already talking about LGBTQ+ issues, their fears of Bolsonaro, their frustration that so many people were “asleep” here re: politics, and Lady Gaga.

Then I was brought to my homestay. The student whose family I was to be staying with, Maria, wasn’t home when I came as she had a meeting for work. So I just… sat in her room, wondering if I should nap, if I should go talk to her family, if I could shower, when she would be back. I had no way to check in with my cos, Katy Blake and Sam, so I just sat there and hoped they were safe and happy.

Once Maria did come home though, it was really fun to hang out with her, talk about how we both play instruments, discuss her excitement to learn English and to meet her whole family, a family filled with many powerful women, namely her mother, Maria Jose, who I have come to adore.

But around 9pm I was feeling exhausted, and no one else seemed to be slowing down. It was also unclear where I would be staying, and it turned out there wasn’t really a place for me to stay. I shared a bed that night while someone else slept on the floor– the house is somewhere anyone is welcome which I think is amazing, but not having my own space made me a bit uneasy and confused.

The next few days were filled with similar highs and lows: one moment I was dancing forro in a classroom with all the students and professors, and the next I ran into my room because I just needed some space to breathe. I would be drinking coffee and spending time with the family, and then I would get rained on through my room in one of our many thunderstorms.

I also felt like I didn’t have any control, and being a classic type A planner, it made me uneasy that I didn’t have any way of really doing what I wanted to do or knowing what was going to happen next. But, after about three days of feeling pretty overwhelmed, I started looking at the things I was enjoying and kind of gave up a lot of my power and just enjoyed things as they came my way.

As the first week went on, I was meeting so many people and being pushed into situations where I was learning so much that I felt ecstatic and stimulated at most times. The routine still wasn’t set, but I knew there would be a new adventure everyday– “adventures” that ranged from speaking in front of a hundred incoming students to wandering around trying to figure out how to get Sam’s phone to work.

It was hard to find time for my own self care while staying in someone else’s room, and I am still finding the small things that make me happy. A really cold agua com gas and some acai can pretty much pick me up from any slump, and looking at the river brings me new ideas.

Things feel like they may be leveling out; I am currently teaching one class alone to seniors on writing, co-teaching an oral expression class with Katy and Sam to first year students, teaching a class on phonetics to second year students with Katy’s help, and coteaching a class on syntax with Katy. I am starting to really get a handle on one of the projects I want to implement here at UEMASUL, a mentorship program in the Letras English program to use the capacity of very advanced students to aid beginners and to build community in a school which is only one year old. I moved into a new apartment where I can see the river and have started taking Portuguese classes and drum lessons. I try to take a different road to school everyday to see if I will stumble upon some new, maybe strange store here in the center of the city.

Sometimes I feel like the truck I saw today driving down the wrong side of the road, or like how I felt when I fell in front of what felt like the whole town and had to go teach while my leg was still bleeding. I also found my favorite acai place last night, joined a gym where I feel very welcome today, and got to have one on one time with almost all of my students. I guess it is still high highs and low lows, and I think that is how I want it to be for now.

Until next time,

Moni

 

Que Beleza!

Hello world! I know it has been a LONG time since I have written, and I don’t plan for this to be the pattern as these nine months go on. I was trying to really embrace the Carnaval spirit of living in the present moment (more on Carnaval later) and enjoying the presence of those around me. Plus, my laptop was stuffed inside my large suitcase and with all the traveling around, I have JUST opened it since leaving my homestay in Rio (over a month ago).

Summary of life updates: Michael McGrath, my dear friend and old roommate, came and found me on the street in Rio to begin our journey together. We really lived out Carnaval, staying in a well located but very hostel hostel in Lapa and then retreated into the forest near Christ the Redeemer. I said goodbye to my best friend in Rio, Tais, which was sad, but I know that we will stay in touch (we have). Michael and I traveled to the amazing city of Garca in the interior of the state of Sao Paulo to see the AMAZING Pamela. We spent a week joking around with her family, feeling grateful for all we have been given, and deepening our relationships. A quick overnight bus later and we arrived in the city of Sao Paulo, where we separated a bit for Fulbright Orientation. After a whirlwind three days, I traveled to my host city, Imperatriz, in the northeastern state of Maranhao. I have been here for five days, but I already have lots of things to reflect on. It is going to be a year full of learning; I am sure of that.

Seeing Michael show up with no phone and after a long journey to my school was one of the highlights of my time. It just represented this coming together of my worlds; while at a party with all the people I had grown to love so much in Rio, one of my favorite people from home came and joined in.

That night, after we settled into our hostel, we split up as I went to march in the Sambodromo and Michael went to reconnect with some friends at a bloco in the center. Dancing in the Sambodromo was probably the craziest experience of my life. About 40 people from my language school joined a samba school in the parade, really not knowing what we were doing. We knew the words to the song, we knew how to walk and samba at the same time, but we weren’t given much information other than that. We showed up to school and were dressed in these costumes that resembled what I would call a forest elf/nymph character. We were dressed as Saci, a Brazilian folklore character who has one leg, a pipe, and a magical red hat that allows him to disappear and reappear as he wishes. We left our school for the metro, but got separated from the woman who was supposed to be leading us. Chaos ensued. We got off at the metro stop for the Sambodromo with no idea where to go, so we just followed whoever thought they knew what to do.

The parade was one of the craziest experiences of my life– I will never forget being exhausted but so in the moment dancing samba at 3am in front of thousands of people. 

Michael and I had many adventures during Carnaval. We were able to see our friend, Joe Epstein, playing with the Favela Brass group. Favela Brass teaches children from the community Pereira da Silva brass and other instruments. Joe lived and developed the program with Tom, a British man who has lived there for almost ten years. It was an example of very integrated community development. One day, we went to see all the children play in the favela and celebrate their Carnaval parade.

I got to dance samba and funk with my friends from school and Michael at an amazing samba club, dance through the street with many different blocos, meet Michael’s friends and make them friends of my own, and learn that it is really cool to play the tuba.

A remarkable experience was watching the parades in the Sambodromo. The amount of planning and preparation that goes into the parade is quite impressive. Each school chooses a theme and can have five story lines within the parade with floats.

Parade honestly doesn’t do the event justice. This year, the winners of the events (which is a huge deal) both echoed topics about political corruption, racism, the maltreatment of marginalized groups, and the lack of attention of the government to these important issues.  I was lucky to see the “relatively unknown” samba school that took on the topic of institutionalized racism and the legacy of slavery in Brazil. It even showed the president as a blood-sucking vampire. 

After our hostel in the middle of town where the air conditioner leaked on me (but I was still happy!), we moved to a beautiful pousada run by this lovely woman. The place is called Solar do Cosme and I would highly recommend! She had adorable lil dogs too. Michael and I spent our days with friends, exploring the beach, and spending time together.

We flew to Sao Paulo, got some stuff from a friend’s apartment and took a bus to Pamela’s house in the interior of the state. It was about a 6 hour ride, but well worth the wait. Emilia, Paulo, Daniel, Pablo and Pam welcomed us with more generosity and heart than I could have ever imagined. We had cafe da manha (breakfast), lunch, cafe da tarde (bread and cakes and coffee at 6) and dinner every day with family and friends. I fell in love with their smelly dog, Toto and their cat, Calvin. But really, I fell in love with a family who loves each other, spends time together, supports each other, and welcomes all into their lives. We got to meet lots of family, see where Pamela studied, but most importantly, I got to know the family of someone I love dearly! For those who don’t know, Pam and Michael met through a language exchange program our freshman year of college. They spoke on skype and that is how they became friends!

Then he spent time with her family while he was studying abroad in Brazil. Pam came to the US and stayed at Perry Palace (my old house) and we traveled together and became great friends. I am so lucky to have had the privilege to know her and her family.

There is more to come… in another blog post! Look forward to Fulbright orientation and my first impressions of Imperatriz.

 

primeiros passos no Brasil

Oi galera!

This is a little later than I had hoped, but I hope I can still encompass my first few weeks in Brazil here for you. This blog will hopefully serve as a way to feel connected, to give thoughts and perspective, and to share pictures and experiences. If you subscribe, I think it will send you an email when I post (which I hope will be about every two weeks). This might be easiest if you want to stay on top of reading 🙂

I don’t have a ticket back to the states yet, but I imagine I will be home in about a year. For those who may not know already, I was awarded a Fulbright English Teaching Assistant grant for 2018. I will be working at public university called Universidade Estadual da Região Tocantins e Maranhão (UEMASUL). This university is in the city of Imperatriz in the state of Maranhao which is technically a northeastern state, but I will be closer to the Amazon region. It looks like a nice smaller city located on a beautiful river. I will be there from the beginning of March until the end of November 2018. Until then, though, I am galavanting around Brazil in hopes of improving my Portuguese.

So, where to begin! I am currently living in Rio de Janeiro, in the neighborhood Ipanema. For those of you who knew my mother, you might remember how she loved the song “The Girl from Ipanema.” She would have loved it here in Rio– I think of her while I am on the beach, when I dance until I can’t dance anymore, and when I hear bossa nova music. I think of my dad everyday too as I try to indulge a little bit more in life and really feel gratitude for the experiences I am having. He would love to sit here on the beach, watch the waves and drink a caipirinha.

I live with a “retired” woman, Luzia. She has a daughter who is a bit older than me but she lives in Lisbon. I put retired in quotes because although she no longer works as an economist, she definitely “hustles.” She hosts students, rents her apartment out when she can, works at a friend’s store and sells beauty projects. And these are just the gigs I know about! She raised her daughter alone and she has so much love for the city and all the people here. She has a cat named Josanna, with whom I have a love-hate relationship.

I am studying at Caminhos Language Center, which has been nothing short of amazing. The school is run so well, with workbooks for each level and a very friendly reception. More impressive, though, is the community the school has created and continues to create. Everyday the school hosts at least two activities; usually one “tour” and one social event. I went with school to the Jardin Botanico and I have also gone to Lapa to dance until 4am. The folks who run the programs are so kind and genial; Davi in particular is quite amazing. He is a 23 year old electrical engineering student who lives in the northern area of Rio and supports his three younger brothers. He makes everyone come back week after week. And that’s the other thing! Folks who aren’t even currently enrolled in classes show up to beach volleyball and other events because the community is so strong. I am lucky to have made some really good friends and to have a group to go to the beach with whenever I want.

So here are the basics: I go to school from 9am to 1pm everyday. I drink about ten little mini cafezinhos during class and converse and learn some grammar. I am currently in intermediate level portuguese, which is level 6/9 at my school. That sounds high, and I have definitely improved a lot, but I have a loooooong way to go. I hope to take lessons in Imperatriz too, although maybe less formal. After school, I usually grab lunch with a rotating cast of characters which usually includes my friend Tais (who is awesome and lives in my building and is Swiss). After lunch, I usually head home to change and go to the beach. We usually gather a group of about 10 of us to hang out, play sports and watch the sunset. Then we will eat some dinner.

I don’t actually only go to the beach, but I do try to stop by every day. Growing up seeing the bay from my deck and the ocean from my school has made the sea so important to me, just like it was to my mom. In fact, my parents actually went to Ocean Beach in San Francisco right before driving to the hospital to have me. Swimming in the water is therapeutic and meditative, and can also be quite fun and exciting.

I also use the time after school to leave my cozy beach neighborhood and explore other neighborhoods and see some sights. I have gone to the Museu de Amanha, which is a museum that looks at the world as it is now and how we can shape the future, spent time in Santa Teresa, watched the sunset in Urca, visited the botanical gardens, and attended various events. I have taken dance classes, seen live music, attended a big concert, gone to a nun-themed Carnaval party and danced to some very loud and impressive drums.

Again, all this is just a bit of an overview. I hope that in future blogs I can pull out a theme and really focus on a certain aspect of my experience. I hope to also be more specific! Since it has been three weeks, I don’t want to go through every single day and account for my actions, but I hope this can give a peek into my life. I meet someone new everyday who I click with and who I hope to know better. Everyday I am challenged to speak in portuguese more (although at first I was just challenged to speak at all).

A note on settling in: sometimes it is hard to remember what I felt right when I got here, and I think it is normal to try to forget discomfort. I will try to be honest here and speak about the good and the bad days and feelings!

The second day I was in Rio, I went to the home-goods store to buy an adapter. That interaction was filled with so much discomfort that I was embarrassed and exhausted. This past Monday, I went to the same store and had a lovely conversation with a store employee as he helped me find the three pronged charger best for me.

 

My first week, I went to a forro dance class the third day I was here. I could barely understand what was going on or the words Bruno, the teacher, was saying. Yesterday, I took a samba class with the same teacher and was able to understand him and to speak in Portuguese with him and his friends.

These are just some of the small experiences I have had that are markers for me. I know the streets better, I know which posto and barraca I like at the beach, and I am comfortable and accompanied most of the time. Sometimes I do feel a bit lonely, usually if I am feeling sick. I have had a few illnesses since being here (which is unsurprising given my autoimmune issues), but I have received great care and medicine and am feeling better than ever. I try to write in my journal every day and I read each night. I am currently still reading in English, although I finished my last novel (Pachinko– 10/10 recommend) and am waiting for Michael to bring me a new kindle (since I lost mine in my 48 hour delay in JFK– a story for another day).

I hope this starts to give everyone an idea of how I am doing. I was very nervous at the beginning about speaking and making friends, but it has come naturally and organically. I was also nervous about my recovery and sobriety being here in Brazil, especially in Rio. I am about to celebrate 8 months sober, and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes I feel a bit socially awkward when people push beer and caipirinhas on me, but I have found that it is actually really easy to find friends who don’t want to drink a lot either.

I still think about how my friends Sarah, Andy and Priyanka took me to the airport, yelled loving things to me until I got through security and how I sobbed for hours in DCA and JFK because I was so sad to leave my amazing life in DC. While I still miss everyone back there, I know you all will always be home to me, and I am loving my life here and think of everyone everyday.

Tchau for now.

Monica